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    Greg and Beth

    the political and personal musings of two
    mountaineers living in west-central Florida
     
    On things that suck: a treatise of sorts Comment
    Nick, 7/7/09 7:12:33 pm
    Things that suck:

    Section 1: Pets
    1. Dogs - Cats and goldfish don't destroy the subwoofer for your speaker system of your entertainment center. They may sometimes destroy the arms of your favorite couch (especially those goldfish, can't trust 'em around furniture). Mine don't. My dogs (particularly the new one) destroy everything. Greg doesn't have enough space on his site to list the things Jonas has now destroyed.

    2. Cats - (when they don't catch and kill our flying friends) That which is contained in the parentheses pretty much sums it up. They also keep you up at night when their food is less than 2/3 full. Or when their water isn't full. Or when their litter is slightly too dirty. Or when they want outside. Or when they want petted. Or when the door is closed and they deem it improper to have a door closed. Or whenever they so choose (they tend to so choose when you stayed up a little too late and have to get up extra early in the morning). Back to their failure to catch and kill our feathered friends, because that leads me to section two.

    Section 2: Non-domesticated animals

    1. Birds - They eat ALL of the seeds on the sorghum plants you had planted. Even if it is only four, you intended to use the seeds from this year to plant a larger plot of sorghum so you can attempt to make a batch of sorghum beer next summer. They also eat worms in your garden soil, which are GOOD for the soil and thus, are GOOD for your tomatoes and peppers and lettuce and carrots and cucumbers. They do not eat any of the other invertebrates in your garden. You know, the ones that are BAD for your tomatoes, peppers, lettuce, carrots and cucumbers. Thanks a lot. They also evade your cats while doing so. Oh, and they poke holes in your beefsteak tomatoes that you were so excited about because they were finally ripening, making them of little use. You know, they get all big and juicy and almost..ready...to...pick...but...you...wait... one...more...day just for that last bit of red juicy goodness. And it makes you want to poison all the bird feeders in your neighborhood, but you feel bad because old people like to watch the birds.

    Fuck 'em. Now I can't make sorghum beer next year. Although, maybe it's a good thing, because it's tricky to malt the sorghum and keep the levels of HCN (hydrogen cyanide) at a safe level. I'm also not sure where one goes to get a sample of home-brewed sorghum beer tested for cyanide. I guess it was not meant to be. Or maybe it was and birds are just bastards. But this makes me wary of planting a large plot of barley this winter for beer-making next spring. I don't know if I could handle seeing my toil all summer end up being eaten and having to buy malted barley at the store when I think it would be much cooler to grow my own.

    PS - Birds suck. And sometimes dogs and cats do as well.

    The End.

    [Comments are closed after a month.]

    Re: On things that suck: a treatise of sorts
    Nick, 7/7/09 7:24:51 pm
    Sorry, not exactly gun or liberty related, but the birds that ate my sorghum make me want to buy a gun just to shoot every bird that comes in my yard. Also, beer is an important topic and while I was one step closer to making completely home-grown beer, I am now several steps further away from it.
    Re: On things that suck: a treatise of sorts
    Gregory Morris, 7/7/09 9:22:03 pm
    Surely Jesse would let you get a BB gun for the birds. Better yet, get a .22 revolver and load it with ratshot.

    Can't help you with the domesticated animals though... that's a problem you brought on yourself. I distinctly remember referring you to some rescue shelters when you found that adorable-yet-destructive beast.
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