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Supreme Dictator |
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Gregory Morris, 10/31/08 11:14:47 am |
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I'm tired of all this Rebuplican-Democrat bickering. I am sure you are too. So, I've decided instead of running for public office, I have decided to run against Ahab for the position of Supreme Dictator.
Under the WestByGod-Supreme-Dictator-for-Life administration, here are the top 19 items in my platform you have to look forward to:
1) There will be universal healthcare... for those who can fucking pay for it themselves.
2) Taxes will be cut across the boards, except on whiny liberals who should have no problem paying higher taxes anyway.
3) Abortion will also be made entirely illegal, unless there is a chance the baby will be a socialist.
4) Drugs will be legalized, but random batches will be secretly released onto the streets which contain lethal doses neurotoxins.
5) There will be a new requirement that "common-sense" warning labels be removed from all products... especially ones with lethal potential.
6) Global warming will be encouraged, as an increase in sea-level is clearly the best way to deal with the the liberal portions of New England and Southern California. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle Chicago.
7) "Gun Control" will be redefined to mean precise shot placement through proper grip, stance, and trigger pull.
8) A National ID card will be issued to any fool who believe in such ridiculous nonsense. Everyone else will remain free.
9) Gay marriage will not be legally sanctioned. Neither will straight marriage. Only legal contracts between consensual parties will be legally binding. Marriage will continue to be between a couple and their God.
10) Rapists and child molesters will be shot in the mouth. Any loose change found in their pockets will be used to pay for the bullet.
11) Violent crime will be reduced by the implementation of a "1 strike and you are out" law.
12) The military's budget will be quadrupled, and any government that objects to our foreign policy will be westernized. Kinetically. That includes anyone that complains about our use of overwhelming military force. Hmmm, that might work for Chicago...
13) The Reinheitsgebot will be made legally binding in America.
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) All environmental regulations will be condensed into the following statement: If you make a mess, you have to clean it up. If you fail to do so, you will be considered a child molester and punished accordingly.
15) On the issue of Campaign Finance Reform, I will laugh and say, "there are no more campaigns you idiot!"
16) Borders will be patrolled, enforced and protected by giant ninja robots. With laser swords.
17) Immigration will be easier. So will deportation of people who hate America.
18) Energy policy will be left up to those who actually know about energy production.
19) Coffee-drink names that have more than four total syllables will be outlawed. So will any French-sounding ones. |
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| | [Comments are closed after a month.] |
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